Finding Purpose

Taking comfort in not knowing

The Fear I Couldn't Name

What is my purpose now? For anyone leaving a long held career this question looms large over many of us. This is the underlying question, or the “question behind the question” as my old manager at Google liked to say, when someone asks me, “What are you going to do now?” I realize now that finding purpose was one of my biggest fears going into retirement. It is such a big open question that stands out from all of the rest of my fears, but doesn’t have a clear path to resolution. In fact, I didn’t even list finding purpose on my list of fears when we were planning for retirement I think because I didn’t know how to name the fear. My wife and I wrote down things like losing our identity, perception of friends and family, having enough to do and filling our days, but to my surprise I didn’t explicitly say I was worried about finding purpose. In the end, I am not much of a worrier. So maybe a better word would be fear.

Searching for Clues in the Wisdom of Others

I have been thinking about purpose more and more now especially after finishing The 5 Types of Wealth (specifically the chapters on Social and Mental Wealth). I need to come back to some of the tools presented in that book to explore deeper on what motivates me and are my true core values. After finishing that book I read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse upon the recommendation of some friends. It is a fantastic book that follows the life journey of a boy finding his purpose in the world. Lots of layers to unpack there, but my one line takeaway was that not all you learn in life can be taught or maybe said slightly differently: wisdom comes from the experiences you live. I think there is a deep comfort in that, knowing that the path you take, no matter where it leads, is the right path, because of all that you will learn along the way.

Cover Image of Siddhartha by Hemann Hesse, Originally published in 1922

After Siddhartha I read Everyday Dharma: 8 Essential Practices for Finding Success and Joy in Everything You Do by Suneel Gupta. It was a bit of a western introduction to the concept of dharma which is rooted in Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, and Sikhism. In Hinduism dharma is partially your purpose, but also how you express it in the world. It was a great reminder that finding one’s purpose is not enough, you also have to act and express that purpose in the world for others to benefit.

Cover Image of Everyday Dharma by Suneel Gupta

When I was still at Google, I attended a leadership summit for the Google Maps organization and Suneel Gupta (brother of Sanjay Gupta) was one of the speakers. His stories were incredibly engaging, which is no surprise being that Suneel’s dharma is rooted in storytelling. I had purchased Suneel’s book back then, but it just now got to the top of the book queue a couple of weeks back.

Suneel covers many ways to explore your dharma, which are incredibly multifaceted and deserve much deeper study. I found the quote which he paraphrased from the Bhagavad Gita “better to live your own dharma, even if you fail, than to live someone else's perfectly" to be particularly profound.

An Engineer's Guide to Not Knowing

I recently listened to a Hidden Brain podcast episode Wellness 2.0: Who Do You Want To Be? where the host Shankar Vedantam interviews psychologist Ken Sheldon about his recent book that studies the science of figuring out what you want. I found the portion where they talk about the process of figuring out what we want in life and it's analog to an artist's creative process really resonated with me. The basic premise is that we often follow a process of deliberation where we ask ourself a hard question consciously, then move into illumination where we step away from the problem because the answer is not obvious and let the question marinate as it were in our non-conscious mind and at some point we have an ah ha moment. Then we take that idea to the verification phase where we test to see if that idea was a good one. If this three phase process is what is happening with me, I am just in the early illumination phase where I have asked the question, “What is my purpose?” out in the world and I am opening myself up for ideas to explore.

This second phase is very different from what I am used to as an engineer. I am used to breaking problems down into smaller manageable chunks and working my way methodically through their solutions. Not that these things are easy, but they are done consciously. In this other paradigm, which Ken Sheldon calls Self Concordance, the middle phase relies heavily on your non-conscious mind to reveal your deeper values to you. The podcast mentions leveraging tools such as mindfulness meditation to achieve these revelations. I have heard from many friends who are in a similar phase of life, learning to move from a world focused on extrinsic motivators (money, status, power) to intrinsic motivators (enjoyment, value alignment, positive relationships), that this practice has been hugely helpful for them. I am definitely looking forward to diving deeper in this space.

Purpose in the Present Moment

So, what is my purpose? In short, the answer is: I don’t know. Or at least, I don’t know yet. I know that right now my family and friends are the focus of a lot of my energy. I know I want to be a great Dad for my kids, a great husband for my wife, and a great friend for my friends, new and old. I know that I want to learn more about myself and the world I live in. I know that I am in a transition and the path is not clear. I am holding that uncertainty and giving myself space to accept what is coming next.

If only the path to finding purpose was as clear as this trail.

As I sit looking out over the lake in Maine, I feel my purpose in this moment is to enjoy the beauty of this world. Listen to the rain drops falling lightly on the roof at camp. Listen to the hummingbirds hum at the feeder. Sit with the silence.

A hummingbird just outside my cousins’ camp as I was working on this newsletter post.

So as people continue to ask, “what are you going to do now?” I am setting aside the engineer’s need to have a well defined solution and am embracing the creative process of illumination. I realize it is ok to answer, “I don't know.” The answer isn’t on a well defined timeline and I am learning to be ok with that.

Brian

PS For those of you who have navigated this transition, how have you found comfort in the phase of not knowing? I’m learning the wisdom here comes in shared experiences and I would love to hear yours in the comments.